I try to be a very positive person and, especially on I Am So Gay, I try to show all the positive aspects of life, even when someone is asking you to make lemonade. (Seriously, I just buy my lemonade. Who makes it these days?)
But, there have been several moments in my life recently that forced me to finally stop and realize that things are changing. And not necessarily for good. The hardest changes for me usually are around losing people, which has happened recently.
People break-up and friend dynamic changes. People move. People quit. Or people just say, "get away from me, you strange, curly haired guy I don't know." (Admittedly, only people I don't know say that to me.)
But, it's a profoundly sad thing for me when I take stock and realize that my soap opera's cast of characters are getting the boot. I mean, I'm Erica Kane, or possibly that old guy with the mustache on The Young and The Restless. Regardless, you know I am sticking around. Yet, this season, my sassy set of other characters are traveling or moving to exotic locales like Asia, or the more desired location of - you guessed it - Big Stone Gap, Virginia.
Two of these friends are actually leaving by choice for new life pursuits and I wish them the best. Their contracts maybe didn't get renewed on the show, but I am told it is by choice they are leaving New York. They are individually positive and fun people to be around, so it was not fun to say good-bye. It's hard trying to make something positive when you just want to be a big baby and throw a major melt down and scream NO! NO! NO!
(In a Sarah Jessica Parker voice...) So, it makes me wonder ... as we age, and as I age more importantly, how many more cast rotations (willing or unwilling) will I endure? How many good-byes do we have to say?
(Back to my normal voice)
I have lost some friends or relationships in my life that were definitely unwilling to go but I had to cut that cord. And I think it's ok for that to happen. You get to a point in your life where you have to say: this person isn't good for me and they need to go! RIGHT NOW!
Some friends will always be amazing, but some will be a huge drag on yourself. For example, I had a good friend who for the sake of the blog we will call, Why Me. And Why Me always seemed to have problems she couldn't handle on her own and needed constant reassurement. (Yes, Why Me is a girl's name. Look it up. All the baby books are gobbling it up since Angelia Jolie named her 17th child, Why Me.)
Anyways, as a dutiful friend to Why Me, I hung in there and tried to always be there for her and give her sound advice. The thing was: she was also a bit of a turtle when it came to life. She never came out of her shell. And you may guess from reading about me, I am OUT of my shell, so to speak. Being shy has never been a huge concern and I am usually willing to try anything once. Why Me was a bit of a mismatch as the years passed. It was really starting to be a weight on our friendship. If someone isn't on the same stage as you, it's kind of hard to have a show. You have to be willing to do things and be on the same level as your friends most of the time, otherwise what is there to share and celebrate?
You just get to a point where you have to phase people out of your life and the reasons always vary. The ending of that friendship is always the example that comes to mind when I am having a challenging relationship. I took stock of what was good and healthy for me, and ultimately it was a relationship that wasn't healthy for me, so I got out of that. I stayed in it because she was like family. Your friends become a family that you just weren't born with and - better yet - you even get to choose them!
And it was then that I realized in a real way that I choose my friendships and my path in life. You can let go to some and death grip others because they are way too special to you. Consequently, they may want to let go of you. And while that sucks royally, it's part of life and you have to accept it.
Relationships come and go. Or just simply and sometimes wildly change.
My parting thought is that you have to endure the good-byes to allow for more hellos. And while some of the good-byes I have had recently were good, one of those good-byes was literally heart breaking because it was a bad relationship and I had to walk away from it.
I have faith in myself, though, and in the life I have created, that I will be ok. People may not stay in my life forever. The fact that I am (as obnoxious as it sounds) my own best friend gives me this solace.
So, as I say good-bye, be ready for a hello. It's a new door and let's open it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Like Me On Facebook ... Or Something Better Than That?
https://www.facebook.com/Iamsogayblog.blogspot?ref=hl
That's my link. Search I AM SO GAY on Facebook and like me? Like me? Be my 53rd like?
Oh, won't you like me?
I hope you do.
That's my link. Search I AM SO GAY on Facebook and like me? Like me? Be my 53rd like?
Oh, won't you like me?
I hope you do.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Sun and Then Some Clouds
Yesterday was cloudy. Unlike today, it never became sunny. I ran 8.5 miles on a hazy, grey day. I came home right before a massive downpour drenched Brooklyn. I was still home when a tornado touched down in Coney Island. Ironically, I wanted to lay on the beach on Coney Island on Saturday, but that would now have to wait. Today had some clouds.
Weather is life. Weather is daily, forever changing, yet a constant. Weather - just like life - is freaking scary, too. I mean - a tornado?! On a beach that I have gone to for several weeks this summer?! That is also a 20 minute train ride from my house?!
Yeah, life and weather can be scary. Yesterday, when I saw big, charcoal clouds move very quickly across the sky around 6 p.m., I got a little scared. I lit a few candles. It's not winter solstice yet and it should have been sunny out, but I had to light me some candles and turn on the lights. Like a little old lady, I was fearing the worst. All before dinner time.
My week had been a lot like this. Sun - and then some super bad clouds. My first blog post talks about this. And just when I was going to touch upon this very theme and write a really awesome story - more clouds happened.
It all first started last weekend when I was in Ocean City, Maryland. I took the "I Hate You" bus down to visit my "I Love You So Much" friends in DC. (It's a complicated relationship.) I spent the night prior to our trip in DC before we drove to Ocean City.
Now, DC to Maryland. Pretty easy, right? Yep. Except we went through Delaware by accident and had to go back to Maryland. And I wasn't even driving and everyone was sober. DC to Maryland via Delaware? Who knew? Well, it was eventful. I chalk the incident up to the fact that we were enjoying each other's company so much and weren't following the signs that said "Dover - 30 miles." But I digress.
After the driving hiccup, it should be smooth sailing, right? Nope! It was super cloudy and humid - no sun to be found. But, best of all - the black flies decided to celebrate my visit and stay awhile, too. I am not a huge swimmer, but I stayed in the water for roughly 90 minutes because it was the one place where black flies won't go. Who would have thought that black flies and Greg would have a fear of water in common? Scientists maybe, and also my friends, but that's besides the point.
Ever the ready traveler, I went upstairs to our condo and made lemonade out of lemons. (Not literally.) If I couldn't relax on a sunny, calm beach without being a landing pad for huge, stinging insects, then I was going to read my book and drink wine. I mean, this was Labor Day weekend after all and I am a vigilant American. I celebrate each and every holiday properly.
Labor Day - drinking.
Columbus Day - discovering.
Halloween - eating.
Thanksgiving - eating.
Christmas - coin toss. Drinking or eating. Or both.
Valentine's Day - eating.
St. Patrick's Day - wearing green. Ahhh! Just kidding - I'm drinking.
April Fool's Day - hiding.
My Birthday - doing every single thing I want to do!
Flag Day - stealing everyone's flags.
Independence Day - drinking.
I am supremely patriotic, as you can tell. If I missed a holiday, feel free to comment on the blog below and I will tell you what I do on that day. (Fun Fact: Groundhog's Day - Eighteen more years of winter??? BLAH! Drinking!!)
Now, the rest of the weekend turned out mostly fine, except for the thunderous downpours that occurred on Sunday night and parts of Monday. While there were a lot of clouds, there was also some sun. And that is the part of the journey to reflect on. The sunny parts.
I found joy and peace - even on my own terms. If I couldn't have it in one place, I found somewhere else to. The wine and the book on the couch of a condo were each great and relaxing. I didn't think about work. No labor on Labor Day, I always say. I was all very Zen and smiling.
I went back to NYC on Tuesday morning, went straight into work, and for the most part, was smiley and super happy - even to start my shortened work week. I love me some four day work weeks (although they always seem longer than a five day work week).
Later on in my work week, I heard some terrible news about a member of my family who had passed away on Labor Day. I found out just after having a great morning. I was able to do an early morning run. I was endorphin high, it was a gorgeous day out and then bam - huge BLEEPIN' cloud. My family member was gone and it was a profound loss for so many.
Life is like that: one minute good, next minute bad. This is all very simplistic for me to say, but I learned early on how to understand death and sadness. When my grandfather passed away, I was in the fourth grade. He was the first person I ever really knew who died and I couldn't understand it all. Why do we get old or get sick? Why does God put us here, only to take us away? Shouldn't life be so much more than that? This was some pretty big stuff for my tiny, fourth grade brain and my parents asked the priest at school to help. Father Graves actually did answer all my questions pretty well and took me seriously. I eventually understood the whole "Circle of Life" thing, years before The Lion King sang it to me.
I think I learned early on that life was not a game. We do play for keeps, but the time here is limited. It's best not to be spent on stupid crap. (Although, watching TV is not stupid crap. I don't care what any parent organization is saying this week. TV is time spent with someone I love: Patrick Dempsey.)
My point (and why I keep cracking silly jokes) is that life can be total crap. You can get lost - in life or through Delaware, but there are more ways to get to your destination. You can have things attack you and even if you can't shoo a fly, you can find your own way out of the problem. Your day can literally be ruined, but there is still you at the end of the day.
This is what I continue to learn. There is still me. I have all the power in a situation, even when it is a problem well beyond my control. I still have control over me: how I react and how I live.
I like to think - and hope - that I will always be able to continue to find the joy in things, the humor when things seem their most bleak, and the reason to go forward. It is really hard when you are just going through your days like anyone, and trying to make the most out of today. But, I hope I continue to do this. I hope each and every person I know does the same thing.
I Am So Gay (and so are you for reading this), but I Am So Not Giving Up. I will fight the clouds. Because I love me some sun.
Love,
Me
Weather is life. Weather is daily, forever changing, yet a constant. Weather - just like life - is freaking scary, too. I mean - a tornado?! On a beach that I have gone to for several weeks this summer?! That is also a 20 minute train ride from my house?!
Yeah, life and weather can be scary. Yesterday, when I saw big, charcoal clouds move very quickly across the sky around 6 p.m., I got a little scared. I lit a few candles. It's not winter solstice yet and it should have been sunny out, but I had to light me some candles and turn on the lights. Like a little old lady, I was fearing the worst. All before dinner time.
My week had been a lot like this. Sun - and then some super bad clouds. My first blog post talks about this. And just when I was going to touch upon this very theme and write a really awesome story - more clouds happened.
It all first started last weekend when I was in Ocean City, Maryland. I took the "I Hate You" bus down to visit my "I Love You So Much" friends in DC. (It's a complicated relationship.) I spent the night prior to our trip in DC before we drove to Ocean City.
Now, DC to Maryland. Pretty easy, right? Yep. Except we went through Delaware by accident and had to go back to Maryland. And I wasn't even driving and everyone was sober. DC to Maryland via Delaware? Who knew? Well, it was eventful. I chalk the incident up to the fact that we were enjoying each other's company so much and weren't following the signs that said "Dover - 30 miles." But I digress.
After the driving hiccup, it should be smooth sailing, right? Nope! It was super cloudy and humid - no sun to be found. But, best of all - the black flies decided to celebrate my visit and stay awhile, too. I am not a huge swimmer, but I stayed in the water for roughly 90 minutes because it was the one place where black flies won't go. Who would have thought that black flies and Greg would have a fear of water in common? Scientists maybe, and also my friends, but that's besides the point.
Ever the ready traveler, I went upstairs to our condo and made lemonade out of lemons. (Not literally.) If I couldn't relax on a sunny, calm beach without being a landing pad for huge, stinging insects, then I was going to read my book and drink wine. I mean, this was Labor Day weekend after all and I am a vigilant American. I celebrate each and every holiday properly.
Labor Day - drinking.
Columbus Day - discovering.
Halloween - eating.
Thanksgiving - eating.
Christmas - coin toss. Drinking or eating. Or both.
Valentine's Day - eating.
St. Patrick's Day - wearing green. Ahhh! Just kidding - I'm drinking.
April Fool's Day - hiding.
My Birthday - doing every single thing I want to do!
Flag Day - stealing everyone's flags.
Independence Day - drinking.
I am supremely patriotic, as you can tell. If I missed a holiday, feel free to comment on the blog below and I will tell you what I do on that day. (Fun Fact: Groundhog's Day - Eighteen more years of winter??? BLAH! Drinking!!)
Now, the rest of the weekend turned out mostly fine, except for the thunderous downpours that occurred on Sunday night and parts of Monday. While there were a lot of clouds, there was also some sun. And that is the part of the journey to reflect on. The sunny parts.
I found joy and peace - even on my own terms. If I couldn't have it in one place, I found somewhere else to. The wine and the book on the couch of a condo were each great and relaxing. I didn't think about work. No labor on Labor Day, I always say. I was all very Zen and smiling.
I went back to NYC on Tuesday morning, went straight into work, and for the most part, was smiley and super happy - even to start my shortened work week. I love me some four day work weeks (although they always seem longer than a five day work week).
Later on in my work week, I heard some terrible news about a member of my family who had passed away on Labor Day. I found out just after having a great morning. I was able to do an early morning run. I was endorphin high, it was a gorgeous day out and then bam - huge BLEEPIN' cloud. My family member was gone and it was a profound loss for so many.
Life is like that: one minute good, next minute bad. This is all very simplistic for me to say, but I learned early on how to understand death and sadness. When my grandfather passed away, I was in the fourth grade. He was the first person I ever really knew who died and I couldn't understand it all. Why do we get old or get sick? Why does God put us here, only to take us away? Shouldn't life be so much more than that? This was some pretty big stuff for my tiny, fourth grade brain and my parents asked the priest at school to help. Father Graves actually did answer all my questions pretty well and took me seriously. I eventually understood the whole "Circle of Life" thing, years before The Lion King sang it to me.
I think I learned early on that life was not a game. We do play for keeps, but the time here is limited. It's best not to be spent on stupid crap. (Although, watching TV is not stupid crap. I don't care what any parent organization is saying this week. TV is time spent with someone I love: Patrick Dempsey.)
My point (and why I keep cracking silly jokes) is that life can be total crap. You can get lost - in life or through Delaware, but there are more ways to get to your destination. You can have things attack you and even if you can't shoo a fly, you can find your own way out of the problem. Your day can literally be ruined, but there is still you at the end of the day.
This is what I continue to learn. There is still me. I have all the power in a situation, even when it is a problem well beyond my control. I still have control over me: how I react and how I live.
I like to think - and hope - that I will always be able to continue to find the joy in things, the humor when things seem their most bleak, and the reason to go forward. It is really hard when you are just going through your days like anyone, and trying to make the most out of today. But, I hope I continue to do this. I hope each and every person I know does the same thing.
I Am So Gay (and so are you for reading this), but I Am So Not Giving Up. I will fight the clouds. Because I love me some sun.
Love,
Me
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