I try to be a very positive person and, especially on I Am So Gay, I try to show all the positive aspects of life, even when someone is asking you to make lemonade. (Seriously, I just buy my lemonade. Who makes it these days?)
But, there have been several moments in my life recently that forced me to finally stop and realize that things are changing. And not necessarily for good. The hardest changes for me usually are around losing people, which has happened recently.
People break-up and friend dynamic changes. People move. People quit. Or people just say, "get away from me, you strange, curly haired guy I don't know." (Admittedly, only people I don't know say that to me.)
But, it's a profoundly sad thing for me when I take stock and realize that my soap opera's cast of characters are getting the boot. I mean, I'm Erica Kane, or possibly that old guy with the mustache on The Young and The Restless. Regardless, you know I am sticking around. Yet, this season, my sassy set of other characters are traveling or moving to exotic locales like Asia, or the more desired location of - you guessed it - Big Stone Gap, Virginia.
Two of these friends are actually leaving by choice for new life pursuits and I wish them the best. Their contracts maybe didn't get renewed on the show, but I am told it is by choice they are leaving New York. They are individually positive and fun people to be around, so it was not fun to say good-bye. It's hard trying to make something positive when you just want to be a big baby and throw a major melt down and scream NO! NO! NO!
(In a Sarah Jessica Parker voice...) So, it makes me wonder ... as we age, and as I age more importantly, how many more cast rotations (willing or unwilling) will I endure? How many good-byes do we have to say?
(Back to my normal voice)
I have lost some friends or relationships in my life that were definitely unwilling to go but I had to cut that cord. And I think it's ok for that to happen. You get to a point in your life where you have to say: this person isn't good for me and they need to go! RIGHT NOW!
Some friends will always be amazing, but some will be a huge drag on yourself. For example, I had a good friend who for the sake of the blog we will call, Why Me. And Why Me always seemed to have problems she couldn't handle on her own and needed constant reassurement. (Yes, Why Me is a girl's name. Look it up. All the baby books are gobbling it up since Angelia Jolie named her 17th child, Why Me.)
Anyways, as a dutiful friend to Why Me, I hung in there and tried to always be there for her and give her sound advice. The thing was: she was also a bit of a turtle when it came to life. She never came out of her shell. And you may guess from reading about me, I am OUT of my shell, so to speak. Being shy has never been a huge concern and I am usually willing to try anything once. Why Me was a bit of a mismatch as the years passed. It was really starting to be a weight on our friendship. If someone isn't on the same stage as you, it's kind of hard to have a show. You have to be willing to do things and be on the same level as your friends most of the time, otherwise what is there to share and celebrate?
You just get to a point where you have to phase people out of your life and the reasons always vary. The ending of that friendship is always the example that comes to mind when I am having a challenging relationship. I took stock of what was good and healthy for me, and ultimately it was a relationship that wasn't healthy for me, so I got out of that. I stayed in it because she was like family. Your friends become a family that you just weren't born with and - better yet - you even get to choose them!
And it was then that I realized in a real way that I choose my friendships and my path in life. You can let go to some and death grip others because they are way too special to you. Consequently, they may want to let go of you. And while that sucks royally, it's part of life and you have to accept it.
Relationships come and go. Or just simply and sometimes wildly change.
My parting thought is that you have to endure the good-byes to allow for more hellos. And while some of the good-byes I have had recently were good, one of those good-byes was literally heart breaking because it was a bad relationship and I had to walk away from it.
I have faith in myself, though, and in the life I have created, that I will be ok. People may not stay in my life forever. The fact that I am (as obnoxious as it sounds) my own best friend gives me this solace.
So, as I say good-bye, be ready for a hello. It's a new door and let's open it.
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