My Beauty Regimen ... Don't Laugh!

It's true. I am glamorous.

It takes work. So much work, in fact, that I have a beauty regimen.

As a style icon (to myself only), I find it invaluable to ensure I look my absolute best at all times. So, I thought it would be helpful to no one if I composed a little list of the top ten things we all should be doing to ensure we look our absolute best.

1. Big hair. The bigger, the better. Go all Texas if you have to. At a formal occasion, the person with the most volume in their 'do, always gets that extra attention from a gentleman. If you don't believe me, just drool over this picture from me in high school.



What a ladies man!

And look how happy and alert I am!

So, I think I proved my point.

When in doubt, go big!












2. Great skin. Now, this just doesn't happen overnight.

You gotta work at it. You have to hydrate. And I am not talking about water.

When people ask me what is my biggest secret to looking so  young, I always say the same response. "The alcohol in my body has preserved me for years to come."

And it's true. And of course, water is great, too.

Now, my second biggest secret to great skin is: the home facial. Any over the store counter brand will do. The picture on the right is a muddy mask thing from Kiehl's that I love. And when your face is so dry and the stuff is just cracking and you can barely move your mouth, it's ready to wash off with a nice, cold wash cloth. 

The other thing I like to do every other month is to get a real facial by real professionals. And when I say professionals - I mean: students. That's right! I go to facial academies all over New York, where (for the bargain price of roughly $50) you can submit yourself to the least relaxing hour of your life.

When I got the extractions done on my T-Zone (ugh, the blackheads on my nose!) I thought the student was going to crush my eyes in as she put her entire palm of her hand on my upper face while she was working on my nose. Who cares if your eyes have trouble opening again? You look great!

3. Moisturize. Ain't nothing worse than seeing dry elbows on a person. Grab a bottle of your favorite Bath and Body Works body lotion and go to town. If you want to use a cheaper or more expensive brand, it's all a preference. But, whatever you do, don't go cheap on the application. Use generously and often. Basically, just sleep in a tub of aloe.

4. SPF. Just trust what every TV doctor has told you. Don't listen to anyone from the Jersey Shore cast. If your dream is to grow up and be Snooki or that guy who went to rehab, by all means, chase the rainbow, my friend. Otherwise ... lube up come sun time.

5. Cut costs whenever possible - do it at home! Just like my home facial. It's more fun and you learn something, too.

Cut your own hair? Sure!
Color your own hair? You're worth it, L'oreal!
Clip your own nails? Of course!
Wax your own legs? Easy!

Why pay someone else when you can do it incorrectly and more painfully? No pain, no gain, I always say. Just think of the gain to your savings account while you are bleeding all over your bathroom floor. It will plaster a smile on your face like you have never seen!

6. When in doubt, go generic. Those name brand products are just a waste. I love my Top Care shaving foam more than life itself. Sure, between my disposable razor and a $1.29 large can of foam, I will permanently have a chin of rough stubble. But, isn't stubble in? I know beards are - and that trend could end now, thank you!

I'm getting off topic. But, seriously, spend a lot on shampoo and no one notices. Spend a lot on your shoes and people will envy you for decades!

7. Floss. Good god, please floss! This is more for you than it is for me. I already floss. But you!  Seriously, sitting across from you in this meeting and seeing your spinach is killing me. Literally. Killing. Me.

8. Cologne. I'm a big proponent of over spraying. Just go nuts. Pretend you bought a never ending bottle. "Irish Shower" yourself to a new you! Because it's better people remember a good smell than a bad smell. And if you didn't do laundry on that t-shirt and it's the third time this week you're wearing it - and it's July - spray on some body spray! Spray on, playa'!

(The caveat here is: you bought a good brand that goes with your skin. If you're wearing the Abercrombie & Fitch cologne - well, all of humanity is now doomed because of you. So, maybe don't over spray. Just sayin.')

9. Shower Daily. Am I the only who does this if I am going out of the house? Just askin' here. Maybe my mother taught me right? But, if you're staying home, stink it up. If you're introducing yourself to the public, then give us something to work with. Smell good. Look good. Win=win!

And my 10th and final biggest beauty regimen tip is the most important:

10. Hair Removal Systems. Hair should be on your head. Yep, that's the only place. You don't need it anymore. Really. If you think about, it's just decoration up there. When we were less evolved, say 60 years ago and living in caves, we needed hair. It kept us warm. But, now we have heat and airplanes to take us to Miami whenever we need to.

So, whatever your hair growth issue is: take care of it.

We should all feel very passionate on this subject. Our political leaders should pass national and local laws.

And, as you age, hair appears in more places than it did since puberty. It's nature's never-ending joke.

  "You're aging, hahaha! Sincerely, Nature."

So, Nature sent us the note and you need to have multiple hair removal systems on hand. You will never look better.

OK - folks! That's it. We're all set to venture on the town looking, smelling, and feeling great. Now, if only I can get people to stop wearing Crocs, we'd be all set!