And, while I do love screaming, "CHRISTINA! HAND ME THE AX!," to anyone I meet, I am no exception to the mother-loving phenomenon. I love my Mom.
I could list a lot of reasons why or how she is better than your Mom, but why brag? I mean, really? Why rub it in your face how clearly awesome my Mom is and yours is truly sub par?
Oh, OK. I will.
1. My Mom wrote notes in my lunchbox as a kid. Oh your Mom did that too? Did she always make the same Fluffernutter sandwich for you? Nope, didn't think so.
Nowadays, Mom would get hauled off to County Jail for endangering school children with peanut allergies, but back in the 80s, we just called it lunch time. And it was awesome and I always knew it was packed with love.
2. My Mom saved me from falling out of the car after seeing the movie, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. To preface, I am a person who has always been deeply moved by the arts. Films especially. And at the tender age of three, I was no different. (Spoiler alert: E.T. goes home. And an adorable, curly haired child in Massachusetts was devastated.) I identified with Henry Thomas and wanted to ride my bike in the sky with E.T. Or maybe I just wanted to eat Reese's Pieces, the hippest candy of 1982.
In any event, I had to be dragged out of the theater immediately, as my loud cries must have been disturbing other patrons. I must have been "making a real scene" or perhaps (as my acting coach calls it) I was simply "in the moment."
In response to my display of raw talent, Mom and Dad threw me in the car and Dad immediately sped off. Either seat belts weren't invented then or my parents had a real lack of foresight there, but the result was that my door popped wide open and a sobbing mess known as ME was sliding right out of the car, as my Dad was making a left turn. And Mom, ever so quick and nimble (like a Ninja!) swung from the front seat and grabbed me with one arm and got me back in the car.
Nowadays, Mom AND Dad probably would be hauled off to the State Penitentiary, but back in the 80s, we were just appreciative that Mom's cat-like reflexes saved my life! Did your mom save your life like that? Hmm.... I didn't think so!
3. My Mom doesn't swear. And we all know that your mother swears like a truck driver. And a sailor. On shore leave.
Seriously, though, MY Mom doesn't curse. One time - only just a few years ago -while driving home with her, another driver swerved in front of us in a dangerous way. He cut in front of us, and it caused us to abruptly slam on the brakes on a crowded road. It could have been a real pile up.
My mother, with all her grit and determination, hung onto her steering wheel as if she was commanding a mighty battleship. She slowly uttered, "Youuuuuuu .... Jerk!"
I said, "Good, Mom! I'm glad you let that out. Let him have it." We later laughed over that.
Clearly, the man learned his lesson. Don't mess with Mom. (This is a woman who could have been in jail twice now, so you really don't want to give her road rage to boot.)
4. My Mom just likes simple things. Your Mom also might like the small stuff, but my Mom does it with a twist.
She likes a deal at Kohl's. (I mean: who doesn't really? You get the Kohl's Cash and life is pretty thrilling. Am I right? In the sense of my mother, I feel this is the closest she will ever get to stealing. When she gets a small appliance for $6 bucks, Mom is transported to her version of Las Vegas.
Mom also likes the 2 for $20 meals at Applebees. Eatin' good in the neighborhood. Literally. It's like 6 blocks from their house. I counted. And with the money she saved on dinner, it affords her a raspberry margarita. Tequila and Mom = winning combination, am I right?
She gets really excited when her TV show is going to be on. It's like a treat. But, man, can she get upset when the TV networks program one good show against another show that she also watches. She has to choose. CBS' The Good Wife vs. ABC's Revenge really was hard for all of us to get over. I try to explain the internet, or on demand TV watching, but I might as well as be speaking in Mandarin, because we all know she won't be going to the internet to watch TV, like your mother probably does. (Your mother probably also does online banking, which is clearly dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.)
Lastly, Mom would be really, really, really happy if I sent her cards on her birthdays or Mother's Day. The woman loves a good card. I think Hallmark would have folded years ago if it weren't for my Mom. (She is the largest customer for the dancing and singing snowman they sell each year. God help us, if they do not produce a Snowball who wishes you a Merry Kwanzaa. She will lose her hat.)
I'd like to say I sent her a card this year, but I didn't. In addition to 2 phone calls this weekend (I rock), she also gets this lovely blog post devoted exclusively to her. Son of the Year 2013, I say!
5. My Mom is just really nice. Your mother probably is, but mostly just pretends to be nice to people. My mom is the real deal.
I never have heard people say, "Oh, that woman's your mother?! Well, she's a real bee....hive."
Most people almost always first remark how I look like her. (It's true. Dark hair and eyes, pale skin, same nose. And we both are age-defying, so whatever. I'll take it.)
They also always state plainly how nice she is. To which, I always say something funny back.
"You don't live with her."
"She beats me when you're not looking. I can show you the bruises!"
"She's stealing from your office, you know?"
"Really? She always says just the opposite about you!"
"When she's sober!"
I have a million comebacks. But no one believes me. Because my Mom actually is pretty darn nice. A woman who doesn't curse would give that impression. It's hopeless for us. I've tried to set the world straight. If they only knew her diabolical plans....
6. My Mom still worries about me.
Now, many of you would probably say, "WITH GOOD REASON." And you'd be wrong, "friends."
My Mom is just a classic worrier. Maybe she watched too many episodes of Dark Shadows as a kid, but she's always thinking something dark and deadly is lurking around the corner. Maybe she's right. But, leave it to Mom to tell me today, " I hope it doesn't rain" about a half marathon I will be running in SIX days. Who thinks of that? Even my iPhone worries about weather that is only FIVE days away.
My mom outworries technology. Can your Mom do that? Again, didn't think so!
7. Last, but not least, My Mom is MY Mom. She gave birth to me, for God's sakes! Without meds!!!!
Evidently, there were TV shows about how hospital drugs used during birth in the 70s were giving defects to babies. Counter productive if you ask me, and Mom agreed with me. So she did it all "military-tough" like. I picture Mom surviving Guantanamo pretty well.
Dad said she didn't even scream.
Mom's simple reply, "What's the point? It was still going to hurt."
Did I mention that I was also ... three weeks late? (Classic Me to be late to my own birthday!)
On the date of my birth, Mom weighed something around 700 lbs. It was a real hardship for her. I was supposed to be a belated April birthday present to her. Instead, I ended up being an early Mother's Day present. (You're welcome!)
So, Samuel L. Jackson would undoubtedly call my Mom a "bad-ache mother-lover." (That's what he says, right?)
The thing is: my mom is pretty selfless. She sacrificed a lot during my childhood and always liked doing the Mom stuff.
I like seeing her do things for herself now. Treating herself when the occasion seems fitting to her. Keep doing it, Mom. You deserve it.
I love you, Mom (and so do you for reading this.)
Super awesome tribute to your mom :) She is definitely a special lady!
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