Dude (Looks Like A Lady)

So, I am just gonna start off this whole story with the truth that I somehow got a subscription to Ladies' Home Journal.

I know what you must be thinking. It was what I was thinking! 

"But, you're not a lady, Greg!" And you'd be right! 

Technically, I am not a Lady. I am a Male. And while I don't subscribe to Cars and Gears Monthly or Gym Weights Weekly, I would like to state that I don't exactly have the same agenda as the good editors' of Ladies' Home Journal. 

I like to run. I drink wine. I travel, go to museums, read, watch movies, and I have lots of other run of the mill, non-gender specific interests. And even though I can bake a mean batch of Triple Chocolate Chip cookies, I didn't get the recipe from a female driven magazine. I got it where I get everything in life: the internet. 

(Seriously, this internet thing = awesome! I can shop from home? Done! I can watch old episodes of TV on my lap top? OK!) 

But, let me take you back a few steps. 

I came home from a long day at work and was actually a little sleepy. It happens. So, when I was sorting through the mail, I assumed that the copy of LADIES' Home Journal, was actually for my female neighbor who lives across the hall. Silly mail man! 

I mean - mail carrier!!! Mail Carrier. Postal Employee. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't assume it was a man who delivered this magazine. Although, I'm pretty sure it is a man because he lives around the corner from me and while I was on a run one night I saw him outside his house smoking in his postal uniform. Which I'm pretty sure is illegal. Actually, I'm not that sure, but it really, really surprised me.

Any-who, my neighbor politely returned the magazine back to me, which - to this day - is still a source of huge embarrassment. It is one thing to say: I think this is your mail. It's another thing when it's your mail in the first place and that mail is actually Ladies' Home Journal. 

So, that was fun! After I walked away from my neighbor and feeling ashamed, I began to feel supremely confused. Which isn't hard for me to feel when I'm tired. 

Tina. Expletive. Fey.

I put the magazine down on my kitchen table and walked away. I left the room for a minute and when I came back, this is what I saw: 

TINA. LADY HOME JOURNAL LOVIN.' FEY.

My idol!

Dressed up like J. Lo. 

With the caption: "Look Better At Any Age."

I was horrified. 

And I stil am horrified. 

In the bottom corner was what I can only assume is her signature. Her autograph! Tina?! You signed this? You are better than this. 

I mean: she will wear a paper bag and still be beautiful to me. And she is beautiful here. But, it is not her. It's not her style. 

It's not even her earrings.

And don't get me started on ... wait, why is she squatting!? And in those shoes?

This meant war. Ladies' Home Journal took my idol and made her out to be some hot-to-trot soccer mom looking to score some pills. And I wasn't going to take this lying down. 

I wanted to call them up and give 'em H - E - Double Hockey sticks! Take this, Ladies Home Journal. You may have gotten to Tina, but I won't let you take Amy Poehler and Mindy Kaling. You can't ruin Jenny Lawson or Rachel Dratch. God help them! What if they had already gotten to Mom?! 

Come to think of it: This is totally something Mom could have masterminded. And by masterminded, I mean "accidentally checked the box for Ladies' Home Journal instead of Entertainment Weekly. 

Regardless, this had to end. I had to find out how did I get this subscription and I had to cancel it to teach them a lesson. 

After a long wait time, I spoke with a phone operator who did not act the LEAST bit surprised that a male like me got a subscription or Ladies' Home Journal. 

I tried a joke. "Come on, right? I mean how many guys get this magazine? Didn't anyone raise an eyebrow when they sent this to me?" The operator didn't reply. 

After a long, awkward pause, I said, "Well, I didn't sign up for Ladies' Home Journal and I want to make sure that I am not being charged for this and I would like to cancel it." 

She explained that this was set up by a third party as a promotional vehicle, that I had a year subscription for free and I could cancel it if I wanted to, but not through her. I would have to call the third party agency. 

The whole thing exhausted me. 

So, I gave up. Sorry Mindy. Sorry Amy. I hope you will still love me. 

It's June now, according to Ladies' Home Journal. And I have met Alison Sweeney, who hosts The Biggest Loser, which is a TV show I actually love. So, it's not all bad. Plus, there are tips on looking better at any age, which - frankly speaking - I don't have the luxury to avoid. We all need to look better. 

But, just don't call me Lady! 

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Writer's Note: - here's a fun drinking game! Re-read this story and take a shot every time I say Ladies' Home Journal. Good luck! 

By the way, don't do that. You'd be crazy to do it. I say Ladies' Home Journal like a thousand times in this story. Seriously, don't do it. Just get a subscription to Ladies' Home Journal instead. They totally need the readers just as much as I do. Ladies' Home Journal and I both want you - alive and healthy. And sober. And laughing. 

Ladies' Home Journal. 

(I had to say it one more time. Sorry.)