Allow me to say it more pointedly:
Dating is hard. Dating is awkward. Dating ... is ... ugly.
So - to all the men out there (and maybe some ladies, too) - I have some tips for you. Important tips. FOLLOW these tips. This is not only respectful, but essential to getting me in your corner, which at the end of every date, you want. You don't want me to root for the other team. And friends, I have been rooting for the visiting team lately. Go, visitors go! Because (to my date) I want you to go! AWAY!
But, back on point, here are just some recent thoughts on dating etiquette. Not the final list, but this will be a good start for you rookies. Are you ready, players? Here we go:
1. Don't bring up your ex on the date. Classic, super-important rule. A rule. Mandatory. A MUST. Am I clear? Nope? Ok - First date, second date, etc. The ex file should be AVOIDED. You may want to discuss this. Someone may even ask. Someone may want to know. Something on the menu or something in the conversation may remind you about that person. But - whatever you do - (in Samuel L. Jackson voice) don't bring up your Motherlovin' ex on this motherlovin' date. (I think Samuel L. Jackson uses the word "Motherlovin" a lot, right? No? Oops.)
Honestly, I don't want to know about your ex yet! I don't even know about you yet! Let me know all about you first, ok? What makes you think I want to know about the other guy? It clearly didn't end in a happily ever after. The story won't make me go... "aww! That is so cute. You guys are so great! I am so jealous."
The fact is: the past is the past, right? Nope. You are still living in the past - and this is a red flag. And if it's not a red flag to you - well, that's a double red flag. And that brings me to my second point.
2. Don't show me pictures of your ex's dog. And yes - this happened to me recently! It was a black lab. It was a nice looking dog, and I do like dogs actually. But - again - this is in your past. You don't live with the dog anymore. The dog isn't your child, who I will possibly need to stepfather if we were to get married. Nope, it's a dog. A cute dog. Who isn't in your life anymore and ... still lives in North Carolina! Yup....North Carolina! Again, this is true and did, in fact, happen to me. Scary, right? Are you clinging onto your partner as you read this? Well, you should be. (Yoda voice.) You...should...be....
3. Please: do not text me an hour before the date. I even said PLEASE! Seriously, unless you are texting to say, "running 10 minutes late" or "I am just around the block," then do not text. Because a text before the date - the day of the date - is bad. Nothing good comes from it. You are usually bailing or trying to change the plan. And that just isn't fun. And dates should be fun! Plans need to be finalized 24 hours in advance. No backing out. Sorry! And... this brings me to my fourth point.
4. Enough with the frakin' texts! Hearing someone's voice is just nicer. I am nice on the phone - funny even. And, as much as I like to write, I kind of hate texts. So use a Pop phone like the one below, and it will be more fun for you to call me, instead of texting me!
Because translation gets lost in a text. You cannot tell tone, emotion, feeling, intention, and spelling in a text. You often write the wrong word in a text accidentally. Did, if spelled incorrectly, becomes dud. Just yesterday, I asked my friend if she wanted to go to Cindy Island. Now, there is no Cindy Island in NYC. But, there is a Coney Island. Thanks Autocorrect!
But, the bigger issue is: YOU USE TEXTS AS A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAY OF SEEING WHAT SOMEONE IS UP TO!!!! Just ask me out. Don't ask - "Wht r u up to?" It's annoying. You can't even spell the word WHAT! So, I sincerely doubt you will be getting off your lazy butt to meet me for dinner. Ugh. I digress. So here's my number. Call me maybe? (wink!)
5. If you know I don't like smoking, maybe don't smoke on our date. Just sayin.' Because you won't be gettin' any kissin.' Just sayin.'
6. Don't insult me. It's seriously not fun. I know I am no model. Calling me essentially unattractive.... well.... now at least the little secret of how YOU feel is out of the bag!!!! Now, allow me to tell you how I feel about you!!! (Smiles through teeth!)
I actually had a guy 2 weeks ago say - "Wow! You have big feet!" Thanks Captain Awkward!! And yes, this is the same guy who's ex's dog is so damn memorable!
For the record, I have size 11 feet and I'm 5'8. While not small by any means, I wouldn't say Japanese businessmen run screaming away from me on the street, shouting "Godzilla! Godzilla! Noooooo!!!"
The foot size remark was one of the more minor insults I have suffered lately. One of the more recent brutal ones was: "Your longest relationship hasn't been that long." This was after he referenced that his ex and he were together for 5 years. Yup - he brought up the ex. He didn't read the blog! So, he was implying that I am some single freak and he is Mr. Relationship. He was deliberately trying to get in a dig at me and it didn't work to woo me. It hurt, actually, but I persevere. Why? Because screw you if you insult me!
Yup, I'm single. But I know good manners. And that has gotten men in my corner. Yup, they haven't stayed in my corner for 5 years. But, you're single now just like I am - so it ain't like your Mr. Perfect either.
I think if we all just treat each other just a little bit better, things could be more fun. Be considerate.
The takeaways - simple:
- Call. Don't text.
- Don't discuss your ex.
- Don't discuss your ex.
- Don't discus your ex's dog.
- Don't discuss your ex.
And....be nice to me!
And I will be nice to you. And if you're good, I will be very nice to you. How? You won't end up in the blog! Because you played by the rules. Now, it's time for our half-time show!
Love,
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment