I Am So ... Flawed (Still Gay, But Flawed Too...)

I know, right? Me? Flawed?

Does a guy who look this good seemed flawed?

It's true! I am good looking. And I surround myself with equally good looking people. The person next to me in this picture is a really, really, really great friend. Really.

For the sake of the blog, we will call her ... Mary. (It's such a common name - it couldn't possibly be her real name. I could call her Margarita to sound more like the telenovela my life is, but Mary doesn't drink Tequila often enough, so Mary is the name we will go with.)

Mary is someone I met essentially the first week of college. And we look better now than we did then. (That is totally true and if you don't believe me, well, I had longer, crazier, naturally curly hair - so yes! We look better! And if you still don't believe - what is your problem?)

When I first started the blog, you unknowingly asked, "Will this be like an episode of Will and Grace?" And I said - "Sure! It's nothing like that and more!"




But - it kinda is. Except I am very much a hybrid of Karen Walker/Me. And Mary is Mary. I'm drunk/Me and Mary is awesome and not cliche like a TV show.

Mary is beyond a really great friend. In some ways, she is a soul mate for me. Which is, like, way better than best friend status. Because soul mate implies a huge motherlovin' connection.

In honor of said connection, I have devoted a Top Ten List. David Letterman and I have so much in common, too.

Top Ten Things Great About Mary (in no order of greatness):

1. Mary finishes my sentences. She is probably finishing this ... one ... right ... now...
2. Mary is born one day after me. (It sucks that I'm older, but I'm TOTES wiser. Wink.)
3. Mary introduced me to James Bond movies and my life has been forever changed. Seriously. 
4. Mary compliments me any time I see her or we talk. How amazing is that to have someone (who is already amazing) in your life and she makes you feel amazing?
5. Mary is a Taurus. Since she's born one day after me, Taurus people frakkin' rock. Hello, Earth sign! We be grounded and loyal and all that shizz!
6. Mary still loves the Boston Red Sox and stays true to her roots in every sense, even though she hasn't lived anywhere on the East Coast in years. She still knows the players. I don't even know my middle name. (I think it's Latin for something.) 
7. Mary likes me for even the moments or things I hate about myself. Again, amazing. I know! I told you, did I not?
8. Mary is down for a movie anytime. I love movies. I love Mary. 
9. Mary, at her core being, hasn't changed. I know, this goes back to the roots thing. But seriously, it's true. She is the girl I met 15 years ago. In the best way possible.
10. Mary makes me realize things about myself that I don't always think about. 

This last one may shock Mary. 

Mary came to NYC a few weeks ago. It was amazing. And I felt like I was 19 again. In a good way. 

Mary made me feel glamorous, and said so after. Mary always makes me feel like I just got my stuff going on. I have it together. The thing was and is: I don't really feel that way about myself. Without even thinking twice about it, Mary made realize something big about myself that I already knew. 

I am so flawed.

Like..... soooooooo flawed. So ... very ... flawed.

I may come across to many as funny, confident, and having it all. We all project images of ourselves. Things we actually do feel this way on most days. But, the reality is slightly more ... shades of grey. AND NOT FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - you pervert! 

It's all a bit more complicated (is what I mean to say). I definitely try to act like I have my act together. And, for the most part, I do. But, we all have doubts. And so do I. I doubt like it's nobody's business. And it is nobody's business. 

I think it would be so great if we all just took down the big statues of ourselves that we have built up.

We're human. We're frail, regardless of how strong we think we are. 

I doubt myself all the time. I shouldn't. I know when I make a decision, it's the right one. I am smart; I have thought about it before I make a move. But I still have doubt. Because I have made bad choices. 

I know what I need for myself, but some times, we make mistakes. 

We choose a bad guy to date. (Read my blog yet on that one?) 

We listen and believe someone who insults us. (There's been a few blogs on this one.) 

We do the exact opposite of what we know we should do. (Re: bad boys)

The point is: I am just skating by like the rest of us on this thin, oh-so thin layer of ice. I'm no millionaire. YET! But, I am a paycheck guy just like most of us are ...  for the moment. 

I am someone who's shoelaces come undone while on subway steps. 

I am someone who has had laundry piled up for probably 3 weeks. (Good thing I own a lot of underwear.)

I am someone who is afraid to say the right thing in the moment, and rambles or mutters because of it.  

I am someone who has liked a guy, but wasn't confident enough to say it. And lost the chance to ever say it. 

I am someone who has made choices, and could have and (in some cases) should have made other choices. 

But. we're all like this. None of us are any different or any more special. We all are so flawed. And that gives me comfort. No one is better than me. Thank God, right?

I am many things. And so are you for reading this.