They sound busy, fast paced, and exciting. The truth is ... less so ...
That isn't to say that it isn't busy, though. It definitely can be. Especially when you are 15 minutes late for work and literally are running down the steps when you hear that train coming into the station. Nothing is better than catching it just as the doors open. Nothing is worse than getting to the platform and having the door close on your face. Or getting there in time to see it drive away. That is super fun!
As evidenced by this picture I took of myself this week:
I took this picture after I was shoved from someone smaller, some more womanly (who knew that was possible!?), and someone who was BEHIND me. You see ... when I catch a F train to get into the city, I then have to transfer across the platform to a connecting A train. (The Alphabet City has alphabet subway names.)
So, while on a F train, and waiting to get off the F train, a woman from behind me shoved me so she could get off the train before me. Well, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?
And I did what anyone else with manners would do ... I yelled at her. "We will all get off the train in time! No need to shove!" There wasn't even a connecting train waiting for us. She just shoved to shove.
And New Yorkers do this kind of thing all the time.
If you ask a New Yorker, we all have stories of absolute horror to share about the subway.
I won't name names - but I have had friends (both female) who have seen masturbating men (yup, penis!). The men were proud, the women horrified, and the penis small.
To my credit, I have only one story of absolute sexual perversion on a train. An overweight Hasidic Jew got to feel my butt up. Why? Who knows why he did it! On a super crowded train, he really went at it and rubbed me up and down. I was shocked and embarrassed. First off, he was dressed and presented himself as someone deeply religious. I am a Catholic. And I don't go to church often. So, was this some kind of religion thing I missed? I always felt people who show their religion must be better than I am and never do bad things. But, here was proof: they can do bad, really bad things, too.
I just didn't know what to do.
Like most people who have been assaulted, there is a moment of ... what should I do?
I essentially just tried not to draw attention to the sheer awfulness of the moment. As soon as I could move and face him, I did. I stared him down and glared. I give really good evil looks. I can squint my eyes like the best soap opera star ever. Erica Kane, watch out!
But, I never spoke and said out loud - "what you are doing is wrong!!!"
So, since that moment a few years ago, I learned to find my voice. I don't like rudeness. Being shoved for no reason isn't fun. But, being groped by anyone (unless after a vodka something) is just not cool.
So, do-no-gooders - if you are on a subway car with me, watch out! I will now call you out on your shizz. And - you can do the same to me. Because this is NYC after all, and we are a very ... expressive ... community.
However, before I go... allow me to call you on your shizz! HA!
Top Ten Things Not To Do To Me or Anyone (A list for common BLEEPING courtesy!!)
1. SO, yeah ... your backpack on your back. Not cool. It's a crowded train. There's no room for your big butt, your oversize travel humpback, and your ego. So, take the backpack off, and put it between your legs. Also, when did it become acceptable for a 30 year old to use a back pack? What's next? A G.I. Joe lunchbox? I don't think so.
2. Your backpack is still on. And now its ramming me in the back every time the train lurches, which is very five seconds. You are oblivious to this because you don't care. Quit it. Read #1 again, please!
3. You are now taking up 2 seats on the train. It's so great you get to sit. Now, let someone else!
4. You have now fallen asleep on the train and have started snoring. Are you kidding? I get that waking up and getting on a train is exhausting, but come on. I don't allow snoring for anyone I date, and I ain't putting up with that crap here, either!
5. You have now started a really loud conversation with your vapid, Gossip Girl-style friend. "She did what??" I don't care!!!!
6. You have suddenly started making out with your significant other. These slow, "lips barely touching" kisses are disgusting. I haven't even had my coffee yet, madam! Is one of you so whipped, or did one of you just escape from prison? Either way, go to your room or wherever you prefer to do private things. Because this is NOT a private place. There are 35 of us watching two ugly (and possibly still drunk from the night before) adults making out like they are in high school. Real pros at the foreplay stuff know when to bring it home, and a NYC subway isn't the place. It's not like there are candles and awesome lighting. In fact, the lighting is awful. I can see your pores. EW!! CUT IT OUT!
7. Now you have started stepping on my new, suede oxfords. I frakkin' love these shoes. STEP OFF!
8. You have sneezed on me. Good GOD! I think I liked you better when you were snoring. (And yes, friends, I have actually been sneezed on, coughed on, and have also had children hit and kick me "accidentally" with their sticky hands and shoes. FUN!)
9. You have stood up now before the train has even pulled into a station. We are nowhere near there yet. There are now 47 of us in this area of the train. Where am I supposed to go? On the ceiling? What am I? Spider-Man? SIT BACK DOWN!
10. It's now my stop and you have decided to block the door. What are you? A bouncer? This is the worst gay club ever. All the guys on here are married and straight, there is no drink car like on Amtrak, and you are just the worst person ever. As you can tell by this picture, this is what I think of you:
See, I give good glares.
Love,
The NYC Subway
Erica Kane has nothing on you, honey!! :)
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